


A Late-night Conversation

by not_quite_a_rainbird



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 22:53:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11931024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_quite_a_rainbird/pseuds/not_quite_a_rainbird
Summary: After receiving a proposal from Mr Molesley, Miss Baxter is unsure whether she feels able to accept, and in doing so lose some of her independence again. However, after a late-night conversation with Anna, she is able to make up her mind.





	A Late-night Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> Quick disclaimer: I do not own Downton Abbey or any of the characters of Julian Fellowes.

Drifting in the strange tide between sleep and awakening, I was already half-aware of not being in my own bed when I came to in an unfamiliar dark. A moment's blinking, however, revealed where I was: the evening fire, now just a few hot embers glowing in the grate, was crackling quietly by my feet, my sewing lay abandoned on the arm of my chair, and the row of bells - for the first time in living memory, it seemed - hung still upon the wall: all was as it should be; yet the usual hustle and bustle of the servant's hall had subsided, and I was alone.

Out in the hallway, the clock began to chime and I listened drowsily as it played creakily through, chiming only twice before sinking into a relieved silence. Shifting position, I stretched my cramped and heavy limbs, groaning softly, then started at the sound of footsteps in the hallway. After a few tense seconds, Anna appeared in the doorway.

'Hello,' I said.

She started in surprise and then put her hand on her heart and gave a short laugh of relief.

'Miss Baxter! You gave me quite a fright. What are you doing up?' she asked.

'I fell asleep in this armchair by mistake,' I replied, 'What are you doing here?' 

'I wanted to fetch some pills.' 

She gave me a knowing look and began walking towards one of the cupboards. Then she stopped. 

'Are you alright, Miss Baxter?' she added. 'You've seemed quite preoccupied lately.' 

'Oh, I'm alright,' I shook my head quickly. 'I've just got something on my mind.' 

'Well, if you ever wanted someone to talk it through with, I'm around.'   
She smiled at me before turning to look inside the cupboard. I turned away and fiddled with a loose piece of fabric attached to the armchair. 

'Anna...' I began. 

She looked expectantly at me and I hesitated. 

'I could tell you, only, I'd rather it didn't get out.' 

'My lips are sealed,' she said with a slightly mischievous smile and came and sat down in the armchair opposite me. 'What's the matter?' she asked. 

'Mr Molesley has proposed to me.' 

'Really?' Her face broke into a large smile. 'That's wonderful! What have you said to him?' 

'I asked him for some time to decide, but,' I bit my lip almost guiltily, 'I've just about made up my mind to say no.' 

'Oh,' she said, the disappointment visible in her face. 'Well, it has to be your choice,' 

I knotted my hands in my lap. 

'Do you just not really love him?' she asked. 

'It's not that, it's just...' I looked her in the eye. 'I don't want to be married.' 

'That's fair,' she said, nodding slowly. 'As long as it's what you really want.' 

She looked away into the fire and we were quite for a moment. With a sinking feeling I realised that the conversation was probably over. 

'You have seemed quite miserable over the last few days though-' she began again and my heart fluttered slightly. 'Are you sure it's what you really want?' 

'Well,' I tucked a flustered stray of hair behind my ear. 'I don't think love and I are really meant for each other.' 

She said nothing so I carried on. 

'I loved a man once before and it turned out to be the worst mistake of my life. I don't want to do it again.' 

'Now we're getting somewhere.' She smiled kindly. 'What happened?' 

'Well... simply, I made the mistake of falling for a man who wasn't a gentleman like Mr Molesley, but cruel and manipulative, and under whose influence I committed a crime which I will never forget.' 

I felt my heart start to beat faster. 

'I went to prison for it, I added, hardly knowing why I was telling her this, 'for three years.' 

I fell silent, and all that could be heard was the occasional popping sound from the fireplace. 

'I see,' said Anna, after a silence that seemed to last for ages. 'Does Mr Molesley know about this?' 

I nodded. 

'Then surely that shows what a lovely man he is,' she continued, 'to love you in spite of your past.' 

'It does, I agree with you, but... if I let myself love him then I won't be in control of myself anymore. Then I could end up how I was before and I can't let that happen.' 

'True,' she agreed, 'but as you said, Mr Molesley isn't the kind of man who'd do something like that.' 

'I thought that about the last man,' I said quietly. 

The embers on the fire shifted sending up a shower of sparks and I watched a snail make its way along the outside window pane. 

'I made a promise to myself,' I said, breaking the silence, 'to never let anyone change me again, and I have to keep to that.' 

Anna looked at me for a moment. 

'You're right to want to be in control of yourself, but the world does change, and we have to change with it.' 

'Perhaps, but if I can't rely on myself to keep my own promises, who can I rely on?' 

'There's a strength in being able to break a bad promise as well as keeping a good one.' 

I looked down at the floor. 

'What was this other man like?' she asked. 

'Well,' I could feel my voice trembling slightly, 'he was very handsome and, reckless, I suppose. He had an ability of always knowing exactly what to say: to anyone, in any situation, he knew. Everyone knelt at his feet and worshipped him, including me.' 

'He sounds like quite a devil,' said Anna, after a moment. 'And quite unlike Mr Molesley, I'm ashamed to say it.' 

I smiled in spite of myself. 

'You're right there,' I said. 

'Well then,' she began to sound more enthusiastic, 'if Mr Molesley doesn't possess any of the same qualities as the other man, then he won't have the same effect on you, will he?' 

I glanced away into the fire and she leant forward in her seat, forcing me to look at her. 

'To let that promise control what you do is to let yourself be controlled by fear and, ultimately, to let him win.' She paused for a moment. 'If it weren't for the other man, would you accept Mr Molesley's proposal?' 

'I think I would.' 

'Then in order to show that the other man hasn't changed you, you need to accept it,' she replied, leaning back in the armchair again. 'I hope what I said has been helpful,' 

'It has been, thank you Anna.' 

I smiled at her, and for the first time that evening, I really meant it. 

'I'd best try and get some sleep then if I were you,' she said, and with a final smile she pushed herself up from the armchair and headed towards the door. 

I followed more slowly and paused in the doorway as Anna took the pills from out of the cupboard and put them in her pocket. 

'Goodnight, Miss Baxter,' she said 

'Goodnight, Anna,' I replied, and a moment later I heard her softly pull the main door to. 

Still deep in thought, I made my way slowly up the stairs, along the corridor and into my room. The moonlight was spilling in onto the floor through the window I hadn't yet shut and the night air had made the room cold. Pulling shut the window and the curtains, I undressed, shivering, and climbed into bed. It was only a few hours now until morning, and questionable whether I'd be able to get to sleep again, but for once I didn’t mind. On other days, the prospect of a sleepless night would have worried me, but not today; I was too happy for that. I knew what I was going to do tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Any comments (especially criticism) will be really appreciated but no pressure.  
> I hope you found this enjoyable :)


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